Priority is on avoiding this becoming a chore. Because then I'll just figure out a way to justify not doing it. And also if this isn't a chore then hopefully writing papers will also be easier. I'm not sure how hopeful I am. I guess it depends on how school goes, how busy I am, what my life is like. Certainly won't have as much free time as I do now, but also may be in a more workman-like mood. Well, I'll just have to take it as it comes. I don't know what precautions I can take, besides planning to write after dinner and trying to think positively about it. I mean, this hasn't been difficult. Doesn't take long. But somehow there's still some anxiety associated with it. About the same amount as the sense of accomplishment it brings, so it balances out; but the structure of motivation, before/after, means that the anxiety will inevitably be stronger than the reward. This is the problem: the stimulus doesn't generalize. I don't know why.
Another observation: it's striking how a lot of people I know who seem quite liberal and open are actually personally quite conservative in terms of sexuality, relationships. Not just people without a lot of experience, either. I guess it's really a deep-seated thing, something quite visceral, the kind of thing evolutionary psychologists spend all their time talking about. Not sure how I feel about evolutionary psychologists right now. It's similar to the kind of thing I've been worrying about: how much can we actually choose this kind of thing. I mean, I know I don't actually believe in these conservative principles about promiscuity and such on one level, but on another, if I actually came into a situation where I had to be comfortable with a lover's promiscuity, would I be able to hold to my beliefs? If I couldn't, then do I actually hold these beliefs? I think everyone comes to a similar quandary, but rationalize it. Ideally, many maybe most people believe that everyone should be loved, but when it comes down to it even a person who strongly believed in this principle often times would find themselves unable to love someone hideous. I think when it comes to love we are basically amoral; love really isn't ethical at all, even though it's supposed to be some ultimate good. It's an evolutionary impulse—still very strong and very important—but we shouldn't rationalize into a force of actual good; it can only inspire good acts (and also bad ones, of course).
On the other hand I think I actually am in some important ways less conservative than a lot of my friends. I'm not going to go around telling everyone to read Bataille (although perhaps this is why Vishnupad teaches), not that anyone would do so anyway. But I think this is really an area that society needs to confront. I'm having trouble not putting this in language of progress (another conflicted issue). Not only is this conservatism a source of widespread harmful repression in adolescent devolopment (the first war), it also marginalises groups who transgress certain taboos. No one's talking about teach-ins for the masochism crowd, and I guess that's not really a good first step. I think the first step is really simply just to encourage people to really, seriously look critically at their own sexuality, to notice what attracts and disgusts them, to understand the inherent connection between the two (this is the point where they resist), and to try to look at others without reference to some societal norm that they have made an essential part of their identity.
New topic, new paragraph. I think I'm done ranting about sexuality. Go back to school tomorrow. For some reason I'm less excited about it than I was a couple days ago, but I'm sure it will be find. Change just always dampens me a bit. Plato should be good, I hope. Maybe it will be like high school that would be good. I don't know if I've ever really looked forward to classes at college as much as I did to Irish lit and Western Civ. Maybe that's because I haven't yet taken a literature class I really enjoyed. Note to self: in the future be more discriminating about who you take literature classes with. I think I've already internalized that lesson. If writing becomes less of a chore, then literature classes really should be fun filler classes for my div II. Filler in that it doesn't directly address the issues I'm interested in. Although maybe eventually teachers will start being self-conscious about their methods of teaching and reading literature. It's a hope.
